She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize