I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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