Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize