News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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