Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
