I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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