woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dick very happy bro
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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