im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
