I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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