I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
