I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
