if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
