Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
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