The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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