I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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