you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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