there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I deserve this hangover.
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