Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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