The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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