either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
