I'm gonna have a badass scar
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
