Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
