I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
