Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
