Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
