just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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