so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
