so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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