Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
