what day is it and did you see me today?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
