I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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