i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
