Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
