dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
