yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
