Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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