I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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