We named our party play list daddy issues
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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