i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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