Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
