the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
This is my gift to your gina
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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