i already hear my dad disowning me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
