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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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