I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
