see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
