Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
