I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
