We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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