Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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