he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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