he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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