If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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