I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I am one with the molecules
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
