Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
