I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is it penis luge time yet?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
