I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
