you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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